Sunday, 14 March 2010

I'm tired of restaurants dropping the ball.

Welcome to Austin, land of shitty vegan restaurants.

For a city that is so diet-diverse, the options out there for vegans in this city are absolute rubbish. I've been wanting to say something about this for a long time, but I kept telling myself to just give Austin another chance. Someone is bound to put out some amazing vegan food, not just an overpriced plate of shit that I could put together blindfolded, handcuffed, and high on heroin.

I'm not saying that I don't jump on the opportunity to chow down on some greasy vegan brunch or a tofu bahn mi from time to time, I'm just trying to point out that the selections in this city are lame. Nobody is doing anything vegan and interesting, and that needs to change.

Yesterday, while at the farmer's market, I got hungry and bought a piece of vegan "mediterranean pizza". It was a corn pizza crust (cold) with hummus as the spread, and topped with chopped tomatoes, parsley, and a sprinkling of cooked quinoa. What the hell? Is this supposed to look good to me? I mean, yeah, I ate it. I was hungry. And it didn't taste bad, persay, but it was just uninspiring. Why is it that all of these animal-eaters can go anywhere any time and get whatever the hell they want, but if I want something really amazing, I have to make it myself? If you feel like you've just received an invite to the pity party, you have.

I want a sandwich. A big, delicious vegan sandwich on artisan bread with loads of grilled veggies, marinated mushrooms, organic greens, sprouts, flavorful and interesting aioli and maybe even some kind of house-made vegan meat/cheese, too. Can't get that in Austin unless you make it yourself. Sure, you can get a vegan version of some really awesome omnivorous sandwich, but if you get anything like I got at 24 Diner the other night, you're gonna be eating grilled squash on crusty bread and eating $7 fries with tomato ketchup. Because you know, thats normal AND fun. *eyeroll*

HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO GO BUY SOME VEGANAISE AND BLEND SOME SHIT INTO IT? Really. Do that two or three times a month and you've got yourself a few happy vegan customers.

Just because we don't eat animals doesn't mean we have no taste buds. Capital City needs to get with the program and take care of its own. Even if we are a bunch of tree-hugging, whiny hippy babies.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Miranda and Her Dumb Bag

Its no secret that I hate Miranda from Sex and the City. She's like this made-up character of every woman I could never stand in life. The hair, the clothes, the attitude, her weird mouth, everything about her - I hate it. Hate hate hate.

Now, I own most season of Sex and the City, excepting Season 3, which I've only seen once. Today I've been catching up on old S3 episodes and I realized something very serious.

In S2, Miranda has the worst fashion sense out of any season. There's one episode specifically where she goes to the zoo with some idiot guy and his kid (who she later smacks in the face with the bathroom door). She's wearing this horrible bamboo print piece of shit halter top/long skirt combo that reminds me of that time Maria made the kid's clothing out of the curtains in "The Sound of Music". Totally fucking awful. Anyway, she's carrying this bag that is made out of bamboo and has plastic (yes, plastic) lining. Because having a purse you can actually see through is so handy and all.

Fast forward to today and lo and behold! Here is that fucking ugly bag again...back to haunt me. Why was this bitch even on the show? To give me something to make fun of? Ugh - they should have killed her off in season 2.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Twitter is for Twits...and Twats.

I don't even understand Twitter and I already hate it so much I could cry. When I asked a friend recently what the hell it is, they said it basically gives everyone a fast way to explain what they are doing right now. My reaction to this is, who the hell cares?

I certainly don't give a shit what Lance Armstrong is doing right now. Or any other celeb for that matter. In addition to this, I don't give a shit what anyone is doing right now, unless I specifically ask. And I certainly don't care if anyone knows what I'm doing every waking moment of the day.

But one thing I do want to know is why this thing has such a following. People really seem to get a kick out of "tweeting". (Yeah, seriously. Thats what they call it. Can you fucking believe THAT?) I'll admit, I have a facebook account. For all of you who don't know, facebook has a status update option for everyone, so in a way, I guess that is sort of like tweeting. To me, Twitter just seems like a roided up, obnoxious version of the facebook status update. A land of nothing but status updates, all kept under a certain character limit of I think 150.

I think its pretty cuntish to assume that all of the people who "follow" you on Twitter give a damn what you're doing. Do you tweet about taking a dump from your Blackberry while sitting on the toilet? Exactly how far does this tweeting go?

I already have major beef with assholes who over-use their cell phones in public and I think tweeting definitely falls into this category. Pretty soon we are going to start seeing headlines in the news that read, "Tweeting Woman in Traffic is Direct Cause of Deadly Car Crash".

I'm gonna go ahead and say without holding back that I think Twitter is for people who need attention. Save your status updates for Facebook. Or just wait until someone asks you what you're doing. Assuming everyone cares is just a big fat joke in itself. Now I know I have some friends out there who have Twitter accounts and might think I'm being a bit harsh by saying these things, but hey - you know me. When have I ever been known to hold back? No hard feelings, just keep your tweeting far away from me.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Get yo' French on!

My friend Zack reminded me the other day that it was Bastille Day. Actually, he didn't remind me, he just sent me an instant message saying, "EAT FRENCH FOOD TODAY". I could not imagine why he was so insistant, so I looked at a calendar and realized it was a French holiday. Whoop-te-do! Or shall I say, Ooh La La!

As most of you know, I went to a Le Cordon Bleu culinary academy and was trained in classic French cuisine. Unfortunately, veganism and French food just don't really mix very often, but I think thats crap!

So here is my attempt at celebrating my inner-Frenchness. I have posted 5 vegan AND gluten free recipes on; all converted French classics. But don't get too excited, because I'm sneaky. Only one recipe will be available every day for the next 5 days, so you will have to visit the site every day to get the full set. Since I'm nice, I'll give you the first one for free:

But you don't want to miss this, folks. They are all really good recipes. If you want, you can sign up for the rss feed on the website, which means you'll get an email notifying you every time a new recipe is posted to the site (no spam or email addy sharing, I swear).

With all of the really exciting stuff out of the way, now I can share my favorite French song.

This has to be the one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. But seriously, I'm waving my French flag as I watch it.

So there you have it. Bon appetit!

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Gluten Free Me

So I've decided to go gluten free for a while and see how it affects my health. I always thought gluten free diets were only for hippies, but then I remember that hippies eat granola and GRANOLA HAS FUCKING WHEAT IN IT, TOO.

I know there are tons of foods that don't have wheat or gluten. I know this. But they all suck and I want my bread back. As Dad says, though, you've got to endeavor to persevere, and I'll give it a full few months of trying before I throw in the towel.

The first thing I've noticed so far is a raging headache that started the day after I went gluten free. This headache has not yet stopped, so thats nice. Apparently, you can have withdrawl sympoms from the stuff. But I've also recently cut out refined sugar, so that makes a difference, too.

Yesterday I made a killer potato salad, though, so I'm not suffering from lack of things to eat.

It still confuses me how literally every person I've spoken to, every testimonial I've read, and so on...people claim that giving up animal and wheat products improves their health greatly. I can honestly say that going vegan has improved my health on a large scale. Will that work for everybody? Hell, I don't know. And I'm certainly not going to preach to any of you about what you should and should not eat. I catch a lot of bullshit from people who want to have arguments with me about how "humans need their milk and meat, Goddammit!" and so on, but it usually just goes in one ear and out the other.

So today I'm going shopping for gluten free breads and other various products that seem interesting. I'll post a bread recipe for the time being just in case any of you are gluten free - I know my friend Jayne just recently went for it.

Oli is concerned that we aren't ever going to get to go out to eat again, but I don't think that will be a problem. I know there are always loads of gluten free items on the menu at places, and most of them are vegan, too. I love going to restaurants, but I always sound like Sally Albright ala When Harry Met Sally when I order. Now its just going to get worse, and I can picture Oli sinking further and further into his chair when I open my mouth to ask 1000 questions to a waiter that doesn't know shit about shit. Should be fun. I love a challenge.

I'll tell you what, Mexicans have got it right. Plenty of beans, corn, rice, and salsa - its all you need. The occasional green veg would be awesome, too, but hey - I'm not complaining. And I'm not talking about the cheesy Tex-Mex stuff (which kicks ass, too, but is totally not healthy - I don't care what you say), I'm talking about interior Mexican food.

Here's a recipe for a really nice gluten free bread - only issue is that it has to be made in a bread machine. I haven't tried it yet, but I'm going to. I've also got some sweet gluten free recipes for flatbreads on my website,

Peep the robot bread:

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Holy Crap - Quarter Life Crisis Attack!

Is there some kind of middle ground between being a kid and growing up? Oh yeah, I think so, and its called being 24.

I thought being 15 was the most horrible time of my life. I thought I knew everything, but I actually knew nothing, I couldn't legally drive yet, so I had no way of truly escaping, I was awkward, bitchy, and constantly grounded.

So basically, nothing has changed in ten years except for the fact that I have real, grown up responsibilities like paying bills, having a job, and having some sense of direction. Now this really pisses me off. I feel like I've been cheated. My whole life I've been anticipating being an adult and when I was a kid, all the adults in my life always told me, "Don't wish away your childhood, Jade!" And I'll be damned if they weren't all right. Son of a bitch. Foiled again.

I think I've hit my quarter life crisis. I'm at the point where I'm longing for my lost childhood. The pleasure of being able to spend the day doing whatever the hell I want and not feeling guilty for it. The thing is, I feel like as adults, we would all be happier if we focused on being more like children. If you look around you, children are the only real happy people out there. There has got to be a happy medium between being a boring, unhappy grown-up and being a carefree, happy child. And dammit, I'm going to find it.

I look back at some of the accomplishments I've made so far in my life, and while yes, they might not be as amazing or glorious as my elders planned out for me, I'm pretty proud of myself. So why can't I shake this feeling that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do? Why do I constantly feel guilty that I don't want to live the life of a wage slave in a job that I hate doing whats necessary just to live a life that somebody else says is the "right way to live"? I mean, what is the right way, anyway? To me, the "right way" is probably just doing what feels right to you, and making it work.

As I approach 25 and being to realize that my days of doing foolish things and getting away with them for the sake of just being young and stupid are nearing an end, I'm faced with the harsh reality that life may really be as boring as it appears to be. This cannot be.

You know, once upon a time, my life goal was to have so much money that I could do anything I wanted. Now, my life goal is to live on the beach in Costa Rica with my husband and children, pick some fruit, and drink gin and tonics in the sand while listening to Paul Simon.

Maybe its a wrong fantasy to have, but I really don't think so.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Are you ready for some flavored vegan butter?!?!

The other day I was in the grocery store and I noticed the dairy section, they have all these niftly little packets of flavored butter for the omnis, but nothing for vegans.

Vegans need flavored butter, too, man. And in the good DIY spirit, I decided that instead of sitting around bitching about it, I'm going to make it myself. And I think you should, too.

So, first of all - remember that this is totally up to you as far as flavoring. I have made a few flavor combos that I use regularly, which are: brown sugar and cinnamon butter and roasted garlic and shallot butter.

Here are the steps for doing this:

Dump a package, half package, or however much flavored butter you want to make into a bowl. Make sure its at room temperature. Then, mix up your flavorings. For the roasted garlic and shallot butter, I roasted about 4 or 5 garlic cloves and 1 shallot until they were mushy as hell. Then I mashed them up and threw them in the butter once they cooled. Then, just mash it all up with a fork and make sure everything is nice and blended. If you have a hand blender, this works beautifully. For the brown sugar cinnamon butter, I just mixed some brown sugar and cinnamon together and stirred it up with a fork in the butter.

Once you've mix it up, tasted it, and you're happy with the finished product - put the butter into a little plastic tub with a lid and stick it in the fridge. It will harden back up on its own.

My brown sugar cinnamon butter is DELISH on toast and the garlic shallot butter is my new favorite thing to make with pasta. Yum Yum YUM!

I hope you guys enjoy this!